Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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