The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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