I wannas sexs uuuuu
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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