you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
