i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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