If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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