There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize