Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
