You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
