Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
