My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
