If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
