oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's always time for handjobs
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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