you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
