He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize