She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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