Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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