i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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