you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
