This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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