Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
