life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
