He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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