I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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