I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
