One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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