he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
