I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Randomize