Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
