I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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