I got chris browned last night
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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