I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
