Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
