whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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