I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
