last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
