this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
