i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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