Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
