I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
