Please, let me fuck your mom
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
