I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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