He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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