swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
