Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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