So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
