i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Houston, we have a blender
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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