just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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