Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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