I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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