dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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