I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
