Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
