if i can run in heels then i can drive
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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