Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize