I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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