it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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