so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
