You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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