tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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