I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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