Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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