I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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