So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
