Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
