The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize