I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize