Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
