just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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