i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The Olympian is in my bed
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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