i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
