I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
